Survived Black Friday weekend...

I made it!!! Thanksgiving has come and gone. 16 dinner guests... a ton of turkey, ham and all the trimmings. We watched some football, ate, looked through the ads and talked till we were all blue in the face. It was exhausting.

The next morning John was eager to get out. Why I know not. lol! This man wanted to go shopping!! So with flyers in hand he left.
2 hours later he came home.... From the amount of time he was gone I figured he had pretty much gotten all the shopping done. Nope. He got 4 gifts. So I finished assembling my list and headed for the trenches.

A little not well known fact about me. I HATE to shop. Even more holiday shopping. It sucks. It is always filled with nasty tempered people who are out shopping for their love ones. With that concept in mind they have zero issue with knocking you down to get that sweater in your hand.

Thankfully nothing like that happened. I pulled into the target parking lot and it seemed mellow. Got into the store, there was a cart ready for me. Walked around. It was mellow still. I did ALL my shopping with an exception of a few in an hour!
This has never happened. So I took for home. Success...

The next day we had a gathering with family. It was fun and a lot easier than both John and I expected. We ate chatted and got caught up. After some time we left for home. Again no issue. It was a breeze.

So this is the part of the weekend where the wheels come off.

Today we went to the mall for our Family pictures. It was a well or castrated event. We got up with our check lists in hand. Trying to make sure this was as painless as we could make it.

Got to the mall.. no real Holiday traffic.. the lots we not congested. it seemed to be a snap.

Go to the place to take these pictures. waited... waited... waited some more. The kids during this time are going downhill.. FAST. So mean while Santa has come so we get time with him. Success. At least by this time we have the Santa photo.

After about a half hour behind they take us back. This is the only smart thing of the day for us. We did our family picture first. I'll add this later :o) After this we "try" to do a shot with all the boys. Nate had other plans.
It gets Bad. He's crying, screaming, hitting, running and trashing about. This went on for a bit till I told John to just go. I just finish with the baby and meet him. That part went fine. The pictures are super cute of Christian. Adorable of Johnpaul and Nathaniel. We picked our pictures and finally left. Two grueling hours later. It seemed like forever. But as we sat and had a good laugh about it later we said that we made it and at the very least we got fantastic pictures.

Another parent high five for us!!!

I am Thankful

This is a time of the year where we are all asks a question either out loud or in private.


What are You Thankful for? Me personally I have a lot to be Thankful of.

I have a wonderful life. I am loved by many. My Husband John is my love. Without him I’d go crazy. He is my knight in shining armor. He has given me so much. I look forward to a long loving future with him.

My sweet children who I adore make my life rich and fulfilled. They as it’s been said before they are my reason to being. I am Thankful of God and John for giving me them.

I am Thankful of my Mother. She is an amazing woman. I am sad she has been ill and injured but I pray for better health in the year to come for her. I am Thankful of having her still in my life. I am Thankful of our relationship. She is my best friend.

I am Thankful of my Dad. He is a gift. Mike isn’t my biological Father but I have accepted him in my heart this way. I love it when people see us together and think I am his daughter and comment on how I resemble. I never correct them. We resemble the ones we love.

I have a Sister that I have always loved with all of me but it hasn’t been till the last decade we’ve gotten close. I love her and would do anything for her. I look forward to that rollercoaster trip her and I always planned to take. Not letting go on that one.

I also have a Brother. In youth he was my Hero. As an adult though time, physical distance and a painful past has placed a wedge between us. I pray in this coming year we can gap that space and once again become closer. I am Thankful for the opportunity.

I am Thankful of my Friends. I have a lot of acquaintances who have potential of being friends. I have Friends who have potential of being great friends and then I have a couple of great friends. I also have a few great friends who I flat out deem as Sisters. In the past I didn’t really trust women. They always proved to be caddy and cruel to one another. I never “clicked” with many other women. Till recent.

In the year 2008 I created a group Lets Play. I thought it was only going to be about not losing my mind by giving my kids other kids to play with…. Well what I got out of it more was salvation. Lets Play turned into a place for kids to socialize but for also for women.  place for Moms to be social again. A lot of the time becoming a Mom you gain so much but in the same you lose. This group gave just a little bit back. It is going strong now for two years in February and I am Thankful for it for me and for the other Mothers it’s helped.

Years ago I use to pain to release my feeling to free myself. But with little ones it is impossible to. Here is the site of my work if you so wish.  http://just-julie.deviantart.com/  Which brings to my last statement….

I have become Thankful of this Blog. It has given me a way to empty out my head. It has given me prospective and a sounding board from those who read. I am a private person and it has forced me to share. I think getting things out there is one of the best ways to face yourself.

This is my Vacation???

Okay so today I had to go to the dentist. I cracked a filling. Lame.

But there I sat in the dentist chair waiting for him to come and numb me up. I hate shots. Really, I am a huge whimp when it comes to getting any sort of hypodermic needle anywhere near me. It was then this thought entered my mind.

This is the most relaxed time I’ve had in forever.

I’m waiting to get dental work done. I’m about the get my teeth drilled lol and I feel more relaxed that in for as long as I could remember. I couldn’t help to let out a out loud laugh about it.

The assistant came in and asked what was funny. You should of seen the look on her face… it was priceless. Now my Husband jokes that I am going to make excesses to go to the dentist for now on. Too funny.

2 Short Years has Passed

Today is my sweet boy Nathaniel Jacob Birthday!! My baby is 2!! It is amazing how much he’s changed his past year. How much he’s changed even since his baby brother has been born. This picture shows Nathaniel in his very first moments!! It was amazing!!! A blessing.

It feels likejust the other day he was born. It was an amazing day. November 21st 2007 at 7:48am.The day before Thanksgiving. After a long hard pregnancy. He made it!!

It has been fun to discover all the little things I had suspected while I carried him are so true. Nathaniel is the most determined person I have ever met. This is fact! He is loving, funny, thoughtful, smart, snuggly, sweet and Naughty. I say this all with endearment. This little boy has taught me tons about life. He’s also taught me to use patience.

Over this past year Nate has learned and experienced so much!!! Here is a picture peek at his past year! Starting with his first Birthday added with first snow, first surgery (hopefully last), new friends, the love of Mom's homemade frosting, his first black eye lol, first haircut, first time on the potty, first time toilet papering the bathroom!, first garden, first puppy and his brothers of course!! Nathaniel became a BIG Brother!! Hurray!!

It's been a great year!!! Now on with the terrible twos or as a good pal pointed out to me The Terrific Two's!! I love this little boy with all of my heart!!! Happy Birthday Nate Nate!!

 Friends!

Graciously Tired

I wish this kid would sleep. lol


My sweet little Christian is 10 weeks old today! For the past almost week now this little guy has had me up and out of the bed at 4am! He's growing so fast. 10 weeks have pasted. He has changed so much. How alert he is. I can hardly believe how fast he's moving through his clothes.

This morning was especially a treat though. How can you feel grumpy about being tired when the sweet heart next to you greets you with a great big smiles cooing and cute new laughter? You can’t. He just laughed for the first time Monday. It lit up my heart. Really it's the little things in life that do it for me these days. Like he's leaning to get to another person. This baby bird is leaving the nest early. Sunday he showed preference for his Daddy by leaning into him. It was obvious this was no accident. He wanted his Daddy. Of course this made his day. He’s also focusing more on things around him and the people who are holding him. He’s super cute so this happens a bit. He’s amazing.

This morning he's awake. Not groggy awake and all he wants is to be snuggled and maybe a early morning breakfast. I can gladly oblige this.

I can say for other women other Mamas but this by far is my favorite time of the day. It's quiet and here I lay with my sweet little one nursing. Gazing on his beautiful face and trying to imagine who he'll be, what he'll be like. Studding his little hands and feet. Just loving him. I fall in love with my Christian every morning again.

Any who ramblings from a very tired very mushy brained doting Mama. Now off to make breakfast for the rest of my brood.

Day 1~Of Back to Me

Okay so today is the start day of going on my “Diet”.


A couple of years ago I tried Weight Watchers and ya know what it is awesome!!! It is a great tool to help you know what you are eating and how much. So if that is a diet then great. My major food issue is a couple of things really.

1. Sugar foods (candy, ice cream, cake, pie!!)
2. Pastas!!!! 
3. Sauces 
4. Eating too fast (gotta eat fast in my house with three kids or I don’t get to eat)
5. Going back for more
6. Eating late

So these are these are the issues that I’m identifying. I’m calling myself OUT!! Now they’re out there I can tackle them!!

So…. Here is the start of my journey back to Me!

Today at start date I am 160 on the dot! I am heading for 135 by May. I can easily do this it is mostly getting past the holidays and birthdays! Getting rid of the freakin Halloween candy temptation! Getting a support and making right choices. Oh and getting myself back to the gym.

That is the interesting one. I have a membership; I just need to be able to go!!! The only thing holding me back is that the gym won’t take babies till they are 6 months old. John would have to stay home with him. As soon as I walk out the baby freaks! Flattering but seriously! So express some milk and away I go!!!!

Today is day 1!

Did I make a mistake?

Okay please bear with me.

This is a very recent problem for me and I am having trouble of where to turn and who to talk to. This is a lot more personal and heavy than I usually allow myself to get and a large step for me. But I really need to do this. I need to get this out.

Sept 10th I just recently had a beautiful son :o)
He's my #3 boy and last.
I am feeling sad, weird whatever you have it because I am having giant doubt that I did the right thing.

I never really wanted to get it done. I did it "for the best of my family" When it was done it was economically better. It was 100% paid for. Because of insurance reasons. But here is the thing, I feel wrong for doing it. I feel like I did the wrong thing. But everyone I have tried to talk to this about, including my doctor keeps telling me... that it's normal to feel like this and it will go away.

Okay, well what if it doesn't???
What if I always feel like this??? I just don't feel like I did after I had my other two guys. I feel different. I keep thinking it is because of this. My doctor says no.

I didn't know how to get this feeling off of me. I know that I don't want any more babies. I mean it would be great if I was younger and richer and not to say also sanity. lol But this was a great place to stop. It's just the difference of much more. Something bigger. I keep asking myself am I talking myself into this place. This place of regret? Have I emotionally convinced myself that I have this problem because I did this? Is there really no chemical change and I am just emotionally strange for it?

I'm not the only one who has noticed my change. Practically everyone who is around me who knows me has said something about it. Most blame it on recent events. I am suspect that there is more. I am doing things I have never done before. Acting in a way that isn't the norm of me. I have changed, I am different.

I have 3 Beautiful Boys. But I am so sad and regretful for getting my tubes tied. I have to speak this; I have to get it off my chest. I need to come to terms with this.

Now my only prayer is that I get back into the gym, into my activities again and things will level out, recognize me again. Be okay again.

As it stands no, I am not okay. So I suppose to answer my question.... did I make a mistake...

Yes.

Success!!!

I have to say hands down the best thing about being a Mom is watching that light turn on. That very instant when your sweet one "gets it". I love it, I'd have to say it is the highlight of my world. Knowing that my little ones are growing emotionally, physically and scholastically.

Experiencing their achievement through them is a real win for me! As a Mother you do feel you gotten some things right lol

So the time has finally arrived after a long long period of working at this. I can truly say Johnpaul is POTTY TRAINED!!!!! It's been a long road for this guy. He almost had it when he was turning two but a wrench got thrown into it by his brother's arrival. We learned the very hard way potty training during the time of an expected brother or sister NOT good. It erased everything we did. Today I got total evidence we are all done. That we are allowed to spike the ball and do that long desired Touch Down Dance!!!

While changing the baby Johnpaul came up noticed that Christian had pooped and said "Mommy that baby should put that in the potty, it stinks!"

I laughed so hard then realized what that meant. Not only is he going through the emotions of doing the task of going to the potty but he emotionally has grasped it. This is now what he does. Just as all the other hurtles before Johnpaul is growing up. He's no longer my baby or really little boy he's becoming a big boy! Hurray Johnpaul!!

My Adventures through Ikea

What in the hell was I thinking????

I just got back from a trip to Ikea.. with all three boys.

Man am I a gluten for punishment or what!?! We had lunch, everyone did good. I dropped Johnpaul off at the play center he was a happy camper! Then it began, I decided to "try" and walk around and look. WRONG. Big gigantic mistake! Just about as soon as we pulled away from Johnpaul it began. Nathaniel my almost 2 year old darts away. Now knowing this is not unusual for a 2 year old it was then that the baby started crying and so ensued the crazy. My poor friend how now I'm certain regretful had accompanied me along with her crazy 3 year old. We scurried after them calling their names just attempting to get these few idem we felt important enough to go through this for. Seriously, was it that important to go through this? In hind sight.... no.

It really got interesting after picking up Johnpaul and making our way to the painfully long journey to the check out. those of you who have been through Ikea know what I am talking about. There are a few short cuts but this along side of the hordes of people that came to catch the great deal of $1 meatball day.

We made it. We are at the checkout and this is when the wheels come off.

All four kids are now freaking out. The baby is screaming and the other three guys are now running in all opposite directions. Gooooood stuff.

Needless to say this will be the final time I go to Ikea or any like place with all three kids or without my Husband. No way, that sucked. Do ya ever wonder why we do this to ourselves?

Do I know you?

Okay, here are the nuts and bolts of what I have been feeling.

Lately when I look into the mirror I just don't recognize myself. I don't identify with who I see in my reflection. It's me but I have changed so much. It's not just who I am that I love…but horribly it's my figure.
This sounds lame of me but I miss what I looked like just a short five years ago. I was a pretty hot chicky. Now well.... In less than five years I got engaged, married pregnant and had three children. Five years ago January 15th I wore a size 4 wedding dress and walked down the aisle. Now I wear a .... much larger size.

It's weird though. My mind doesn't totally know this. I still pick up clothes to try on that are many sizes too small for me. I still have the clothes in my closet that I probably will never ever wear again. I keep them, in hopes that I will again. Is it wrong? Wrong to want my figure back. It's a frustrating fact that I look into the mirror think I look okay then later am reminded on just how large I really a now by a picture. It's funny because when I took that picture I thought I was looking pretty good. It's said that in a picture you gain 10lbs... for me it's more like 30.  So let’s do the math.... I am 5feet 7 inches. When I was wed I weighed 125... I now weigh 160. Then I wore a size 4-6 now 12-14. I know size is only a number but I have to say I cannot stand this number. This is not me. I know that with kids you change and gain and keep supposable 5 pounds with each kid. So that for me is 15 pounds of un-removable weight!!! So... where the hell did the extra 20 come from???

So here is my goal. Not an unreachable goal. Nothing ridiculous, nothing unattainable. By my Birthday May 14th 2010 I'll be 36 and I want to be back down to 135 and a size 8.
That is do able :o)

The race is on. I just have to make it through 4 family Birthday parties, Thanksgiving & Christmas without packing on the bulge.
I can do it!!!! So here I go... Wish me luck!

Now I Know

Well today is a day of a double posting...


My guys have been lunatics today!!!! This morning was bad but as the day progressed I learned why some Animals Eat their Young!!!

The fights, the yelling, tearing my house a part. I haven't seen so many tantrums in one day ever! You'd think I was ignoring them or something! Nope there right by their side in the trenches with them. Lame. Trying with all my might NOT to completely loose my temper and yell like a banshee.

All I had in my mind all day was it will be over soon. My Husband will come home and SAVE me! lol!!! Yet it seemed the time got further and further away like a bad dream as it becomes harder to run and the hall way gets longer and longer. 5:00pm came and went... no Husband no John... where is he?!? I started to believe for a moment that he some how caught wind of just how bad it is at home and decided to jump ship! Naw, he wouldn't do that... would he???

The door clicked and who came walking through the door? My knight in shinning armor! Thank God.

Not feeling like myself today....

I woke up this morning and right way I noticed it.

I just don't feel like "myself" today.
I don't feel sick, I just don't feel right. I know it's most likely linked to the recent passing events.

A lot has happened really. We just had a new baby, I just had surgery and my Grandmother just passed. It is the reason or at least a big part of it.
I do know I need to get moving. I need to burn off this frustration. I need to get back into it.

I am feeling myself getting upset with my guys today. Partly because since sun up they are running crazy today. But isn't that the exact definition of little boys??? It's just been to much so far. The baby is crying a lot today. My poor guy isn't feeling well. He's got his first cold. My oldest Johnpaul and middle guy Nathaniel have been spending the morning ripping apart the living room. Running, throwing toys and hitting each other..... All while I'm fixing breakfast. Maybe for now on or at least when having this kind of morning we have a cold breakfast lol!!

For this very reason I need to snap out of this. Deep breaths... today is Friday. John will be home at 5:00pm and we'll start our weekend. I can do this.

I am Home

This past Tuesday I went back to my home town. But I can really say it is no longer Home. It was an almost instant reminder of how that place makes me feel. Like a Child but in the worst way. I find in this place nothing much other than reminders of unhappy times and good food. It washed over me almost instantly stepping into the air out side of the airport. I was glad to have my Mom and Dad by my side. With out them I could of not made this trip. It was hard, hard for all of us only with all different reasons.

I was there with good reason. The reason I feared would draw be back there. It was strange to be in my Grandmother home with out her there. I have never been there like that, alone. I went to step back into her bedroom and it was as if there was a force field preventing me to enter her doors. I felt a over whelming sadness come over me.

Eventually I entered and it was empty. She was no longer there. I sat and serched for a lingering feeling of her. It wasn't there. She was no longer with us.

So in the next couple of days I visited with family some I haven't seen for some time. It was nice, very nice. I loved seeing my Aunt, Uncle, Great Aunt, my Brother. I also got to see others I haven't seen in what seems forever. We talked caught up and hope to stay that way. I suppose we'll see.

The memorial was lovely. It was a gathering of people she had impact on. Friends, family people she worked with. My Aunt welcomed everone and thanked them for coming.  My Brother then a Pastor friend of hers spoke. Then my Brother, Sister and I holding the strings of pale blue balloons,  together we let go.
Said goodbye.
One of the great highlights was a box that was uncovered in her garage rafters. It was a dusty old box filled with old photo albums filled with pictures that haven't been seen by any of us. It was amazing to look at this pictures. My grandparents as young people, in love and at the beginning of their lives together. There were also pictures of other family I never got to meet and rarely ever heard of. I wish I could of known them. I wish my Grandmother would of talked about them more. Now all we have left are these beautiful photos and I hope to display them so that al the family and related can enjoy them. Who knows maybe we can all piece it together and figure it all out together.

Coming Home was awesome. I sure missed my Family. I felt anxious wanting to get home. It took I swear for ever to get there. My Husband John swung open the door and there was he and my sweet Nathaniel waiting for us. I got the biggest best hug ever from my sweet boy. Johnpaul who after woke was not as happy. He was mad at me for going. Thankfully after awhile he forgave me. This trip now a memory now I am Home.