What do you do?

What do you do when there is nothing you can say...?

Nothing you can do???

Nothing you haven't already done, said... or tried to do??? 

When you seem to be at the end of the rope... end of the rope and practically out of hope??

Nothing makes a difference.

I am now resorted to the power of prayer.

It is known by few what my plight is. What has been happening. 

I try to go on with my day, smile intact... trying to go on. With this mental image in my mind. 

The fear is very real and approaching faster each day.

My fears are becoming reality. 

What do you do when every thing you say to someone, do and plead with them makes NO difference??? 

What do you do when your tears seem at the time to make an impact only to prove to mean nothing??

What do you do to make your fears be known to your loved one only to repeat it over and over??

I've tried to reason.

To explain, to get MAD! 

To scream, cry, give ultimatums. 

Good Cop Bad cop.

And still.... 

The only thing that HAS changed is her condition is quickening. She is running out of time. I can feel it. 

I am scared. I feel powerless. 

I can't imagine a day with out her. A world a life.
She is my friend my mentor 

my Mother.

God please give us hope.

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How to get to the Gym...

Seriously, How??

I joined back to the 24hour Fitness on July 20th 2010. 

I had already lost with the help of Weight Watchers Online 12 lbs! 

Great start! Slow and steady....

But joining back to the gym I thought would fast track my goal. 

I would along side weight loss gain muscle tone, strength and stress relief. 

AKA Gain Health again.

My desire isn't too much to ask for. I got to go twice.. yep 2 times 

before I got temporarily derailed during the
Wisdom tooth Dilemma. 

After that I had to let it heal for a week or so. But them I was up and raring to go again!!

So I went and it **Screech** came to a halt!!! 

He wouldn't go in.... and if he did he is non-stopping CRYING!! 

Till I pick him up.. and then like a light switch he stops.

I am not a Mom that can just let him cry.. I can't do it. I won't do that.

I know he will eventually get use to it but for now...

He wants his Mama...

*sigh*

So his Mama he gets.

John and I are just going to have to work out something where we Gym Share.

And also daily I'll have to go in and see if he'll stay. 

It will just take time.

Tomorrow after Johnpaul is dropped off at school we'll try again. 

One day it just has to work and be okay.

Please baby! Let Mama work out!!! 

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The Family Jeans

Everyone has their Family Traditions. 

One of ours fell to us only by lucky chance 

and through passing it on from Father to Sons.

When Johnpaul was born Judy my MIL brought to us a gift.

The Family Jeans

These were the jeans John wore from when he was very little. 

Still in fantastic condition we looked forward in placing them on our children.

These are special. 

John wore them

Johnpaul wore them

Nathaniel wore them

and now...

Christian

After sweet Christian enjoys them, 

they will be carefully packed away.

Preserved for the first Grand Baby.

A Long, long while from now.

*sigh*

Traditions 

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One Year Ago just a few days from now...

September 10th 2009

I woke up that morning not feeling very well. I just a week before was in the ER with premature labor so I knew it could be anytime. I felt sorta sick achy... Like a pregnant woman.
This was a special day because I was taking Johnpaul in for his Preschool Open House.
It took every bit of my  strength to get Johnpaul, Nathaniel and myself dressed and ready to go out the door.
We got to the Newport Covenant Church and pretty much every person I passed had that common look on their face. As if you could hear them thinking "Wow, she looks miserable." I was... but not just the run of the mill. I felt so sick. I managed to make it through it and got us home. Soon after John arrived and saved me. He came home early so that I could go by myself. Looking back I wish with all of my heart we got a sitter so that he could go with.... There was no way of knowing what would come next.

I got to the appointment a few minutes early, seeing I wasn't feeling well they took me right back. My doctor came in did the usual measurements then took the baby's heart rate. Hummm... that's a little off I thought 120 beats. He is usually in the 150's I said to her. She calmly agreed and took me back for observation.
We had a lot of difficulty getting him on monitor. Figured he was just laying the wrong way.
Because he's rate would jump way up to 180 then slow down to 130 then back up to 140 then down to 120 then 135 then down to 95.. wait. What??? Then it didn't jump up again.... It dropped... Then it happened.

His heart rate was now down to 83 and the monitor sounded. The nurse ran in and moved the monitor it spiked to 110.. but then right back to 85...
At this point is where things begin to get confusing.
Another Doctor not mine runs in asks me how far along are you?? I exclaim 36 weeks 6 days. She says "Great because your having a baby... right now!"she then tells the nurse to get my doctor now. The nurse says "She is in with another patient." She say "I don't care get her we have to get to the OR."
It's at this point my Doctor is rushes in they have me sigh my emergency paper work call my Husband to let him know... Hurry or you'll have to meet him later.

All the way down to the OR prep area they are jiggling my stomach, trying to keep him alert, awake.
I get in they rush a IV in my vein John arrived just then they were about to wheel me in.

This is where I loose my mind. I am up on the table and they are rushing a epidural in. I am terrified of needles, of getting yet a third c-section and the chef worry I am watching the monitor and again his stats are dropping and again the monitor sounds!!!! Oh my God he's Dying!!!!

They quickly lay me down and What I then thought I was chanting in my head or maybe just under my breath I was apparently yelling.

"Please God Please help my baby Please bring him here alive" 

"Please God Please help my baby Please bring him here alive" 

"Please God Please help my baby Please bring him here alive" 

They then asked me if I was cold... I looked down and I was convulsing... I was completely coming unglued. 

This is the VERY last thing I remember. Looking over at the monitor seeing his heart rate at 75.

The next this I was waking up and being wheeled out. The first thing that entered my mind was

Did he make it???

I was told he was just fine, that I would see him in a moment. They wheeled me back to my room. I sobbed the whole way. I felt so many things in a rush. 

I felt betrayed, robbed, sad, confused, worried, angry...

I at that time could not understand why they knocked me out?? I really couldn't. I was in no mind frame.

They then wheeled in Christian... *Sigh* Every thing washed away.... 

It all was instantly better. I still was confused, but after my poor Husband clarified ..... well a lot. I began to wrap my mind about it. It was all washed away that he was here okay and very healthy. He was beautiful. He was perfect. A lot smaller than expected my smallest baby 7lbs 7oz 17.5 inches long. 

He Arrived

Our 1st Picture as a Couple

The next day our doctor came in to talk to us about the surgery.. about what happened.

Apparently my water had broke days before, a high break and I had almost no amniotic fluid. Defiantly no where near enough. That he was in distress, would of weighed more and was dehydrated. My poor baby was starving to death. He was dying. 

I here and there over this past year have thought about it... I am so glad I had a doctors scheduled appointment that day..... If she would of sent me home..... I feel blessed... watched and guarded.

3 Months Old

6 Months Old

9 Months Old

But I did and she didn't.. He's here!! He's amazing!! Almost  whole year has gone by. He has grown and learned and I have enjoyed every minute of it. Everyone who has met him loves him, talks about how cute funny and sweet he is. What a blessing. He is my last baby.. it's gone just to darn quick. I have just a few days left before we celebrate him. Well we celebrate him everyday. But it's then we get to while watching him trash a cake!!

Naughty Like we Like Him

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Ideas??

So I have a problem Nathaniel, almost 3 year old is sweet, funny, intelligent, loving, determined, sneaky, energetic little boy... None of these things are the problem. Just a very few descriptive words about him.

Here is the issue... 

This kid can be absolutely beyond tired and will NOT go to bed. 

It's crazy. 

He will drag it out as long as possible. He will be staggering, running into the wall tired and yet he will not give in.
The more we desire it the harder he fights. This is just his nature. Nate by far is the most determined person I have ever met. His Father and I laugh from time to time about this because we know this huge part of his personality with carry him far in his life. Nathaniel through this trait will be the best at whatever he chooses.

We pray that he uses it for something Good and not to be the best Bank Robber alive. Kidding of course.

But seriously, anyone who has been around this child will tell you. That when he gets something in his brain he obsesses about it. His desire like all children is to win.. to get his way. But he takes it always to the mat. I know there are others like him out there. Trust in me when I say this is not the run of the mill child desires. When he sets his mind it's locked.
So how to change his mind? Because this 12 midnight running back and forth all ours is NOT WORKING!!!!

He is driving us crazy!!!
 How to get this kidlet down to bed for the night without 1,000 drinks, hugs, books, etc?...
He's the Master Negotiator... I can hardly wait to see who he'll be.
All I know is ... He'll be great.

Open for suggestions....


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Every Bit Counts

Well if you've been reading this Blog from time to time you know I have been on a mission of physical change.
Great news is it's slowly happening. Very   very   very   slowly.
Which is good. Slow weight loss is although not as exciting as a huge fast result better in the long run. Your less likely to gain it all back. Knowing this it's helped me remain patient during the long lulls in one "weight category". AKA 170's  160's  150's ......
I am super happy to announce I am out of the 150's into the 140's!!!

Now mind you just years ago the thought of being 148 would make me cry!! Now I feel like strutting a bit.
Just a little bit though. I don't wanna jinx myself.
I am slowly creeping toward my goal by end of year of 130. Not my pre-baby weight but Hey I'm an old lady now ;o) I don't need to be a Skinny Minnie anymore.
Thanks to my sweet ones I have Mother curves and I plan to ROCK them! I feel glad for my additions just with a few adjustments. I just have to make it through the holidays. There is some really really big weaknesses heading my way.

Like the Itty Biiy candy bars from Halloween. Funny how they are so small so it seems like nothing to eat well.... a few.
Or one of my most favorite holidays.. Thanksgiving... oh My God. I love to cook and eat it.
Then Christmas always promises parties, food and sweets oh my.
Then it's time for the Grand Finale..... I know I can do it. I look forward to treating myself with something cute and skinny to wear.


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