I love you Grandma

I don't even know how to start this. We in some way or another knew it was coming. Sorta of was prepared. But how can you truly be prepared?

My Grandmother passed away this morning. We were all asleep in our beds, unknowing. I think back and I was awake with Christian. He's has a cold and I was up caring for him. At this same time while caring for this new little life hers was coming to an end.

My Aunt Stacy was with her. As she took her last breaths. She told her how she is loved and how she'll be missed. She has been by her side as her Angel through out. I thank God for that thank God for her.
She and I have not always had a close relationship. It hasn't really been till these last few years that we had come to an understanding.
She was a strong woman and even in the hard times when she would make me angry I always loved her. I always admired her. She was always someone to look up to. I always wanted to know more about her. She was a very private woman. But little by little she through the last several years let me in just a little more.
I wish I could of have known her more. I wish I had more time to.
We were in the midst of planning a family trip down to her.
All I wanted to do was place my children in her arms. I wanted her to look onto them with her own eyes. To know them. She loved them even though only meeting Johnpaul when he was only 8 months. This was the last time I saw her, hugged her. Our last conversation just a week before was great and I search my mind to remember our conversation. What we talked about what she said. There is never enough time. There are always those things you wish you could of said. Like Goodbye, I love you. Those things were said, but with out the knowing. The last thing I said to her was "I love you Grandma and we'll see you soon"

I Love you Grandma, I will miss you dearly. You are at home with God now you are no longer in pain you are at peace, give my love to Grandpa.

Pumpkin Time!

Alright all ready!

We got on our coats and finally after an hour of trying we headed out the door... for the pumpkin patch.
The last time we attempted this was two years before.
At least this time it wasn't raining.

Man you'd think there would at the very least be a few good big pumpkins. Not a chance. All we could find were molded, had holes or trampled already. It was gross.
Not really the experience we were after.

This what I find a lot.
The "expectation" of something...
This is some thing I am desperately trying to alter about my self, my personality. My flaw. One of them...

Ever since becoming a wife, a Mother I really had this idea imprinted in my head of how things were suppose to be.
I blame this on T.V lol!!
We all do it. But I over the years have been over whelmed by it. I try to obtain that "prefect experience" as if there were such a thing. Setting my self up for an unhappy disaster.
This time though, I went with it. There was NOT the perfect pumpkin... There were a lot of gourds...
So we took the best of what we could find and left.
The kids had fun. They got muddy, ran, jumped in puddles. It was a huge success.

So by relinquishing the silly need for expectations met... they were.

Last Pregnancy appointment I'll ever have.....

Well today I had my 6 week check up. I sure hate going to the girly doctor. But this time was a bit sad. This mark my very last time ever of every going to the doctor for a pregnancy related reason.
My career as a baby maker has come to an end.
Now for some they make think me weird for thinking this way. But seriously, it has made me sad. Back on September 10th I made a decision for my family to have my tubes tied. It was a whole decision. Not just his but also very much mine.
I should go back a bit....

John and I met just a short 6 years ago. We dated only 49 days... we were engaged! We were engaged for 6 months, we were married! We were married 5 months we found out our lives would never ever EVER be the same again. We were going to be parents. At 30 I was going to be a Mother. This is all good stuff.

Johnpaul made his way into this world after a long day that ended in a rushed c-section. Very long very scary end but with fantastic result... Him :o)
March 29th 2006 I became Mom.
I quickly conformed to my new title. It suited me. A short twenty months later our next sweet guy Nathaniel made his way after a crazy 6 months on bed rest on November 21st 2007. Another long story....
And now. Christian born September 10th 2009 by the way he was my late 4th anniversary gift. A very cute a very sweet gift. I love them all but I can't help but to get a little sad today.
My tubes are tied, there will be no more children babies that is.
But this is the reason for this blog. They are the reason for my insanity... but I am loving every moment of it. No matter what you may read.

Know this: My life is a million times better now on my most crazy hellish day than one moment that was before them.
I love these guys. They do make it a bit hard but I swear I'll survive.